Love it or leave it?...for now...
[pic image: food buffet]
Last week, when Jet Setting Jasmine and I were talking about Religious Trauma in our Guilty Pleasures Support Group, as it pertains to shame and guilt around certain sexual behaviors and identities, Jasmine talked about navigating your sexual appetite and what that looks like. In other words, if we think about sex like we think about food, sometimes there are days when we want something specific and other times we just like what we like.
We can apply this to sexual wants, needs, and behaviors. Just because I want anal sex today, doesn’t mean that I will want it the next day or even the rest of the week or month. We need to be considerate when it comes to our sexual feelings, as well as our partner’s sexual feelings; and it’s super important to constantly be in communication about what you want and need about a particular sexual experience.
For instance, if I’m not going to be able to see my lover for a long time, I need to communicate to my lover about what my sexual appetite is and what needs to happen for me to mentally bathe in the sexual bliss that I want for my lover and I to create. Maybe I want to ensure that oral sex is involved (I’m sure I do!) and that there is an emotional connection that is filled with passion and raw energy. If in the moment, and it’s not happening, I will/need to speak up about what I need to ensure that I will have a good time during sex. I don’t want sex to end and not get what I want because ultimately, I won’t be satisfied and I’ll start to disconnect from my lover; which is ultimately my fault. A lot of times, and especially those folks who were socialized as female, like to think that people can read our minds, when that’s not the case.
The behaviors are going to be different for different kinds of sexual experiences. A quickie may look very different than a sex date and your wants and needs might be varying. BUT! It doesn’t mean that you can’t have different sexual behaviors for those things that you’re doing.
Essentially, this is the spice of your sex life! Think about all the different sexual behaviors that you like to do, as well as all of the sexual behaviors that you’d like to have in your repertoire and keep a list of them in your drawer/journal/tape it on the wall. Sometimes, we need this as a reminder of the things that we want to do that we have been forgetting about for a while now and this can even facilitate some much needed sexual conversation in your relationship, especially if you haven’t engaged in a particular liked behavior in a long time.
Also, when it comes to your sexual appetite, it’s not only behavior, but it’s also about frequency. Yes, there are people who have a high libido, but even us folks who have a high libido go through ebbs and flows of sexual desire in whether we want to have sex or not. So think about this the next time you are feeling sexually indulgent or feeling sexual lack, and know that your appetite is there to be moderated by you – the most important person in your life.
Cheers to your sexual success!