Have you ever been somewhere or doing something and someone is staring you down? Although you can’t see them, you feel their eyes burning on your body as they look up and down and into every crevice that is yours?
Have you ever stared at someone whom you were extremely sexually attracted to and couldn’t look away from them? Every thing on their body called out to you and you wished to get closer and closer to them, just to see what they smell and feel like? Feeling like you’re in love or lust at first sight and can’t wait to do all the nasty things to them that they would allow you to do?
I’ve been in both of these positions before and I can tell you right now, the latter position is the one that feels the best. It feels better to stare at someone from a distance and imagine all the things that you would like to do to them; focusing on various body parts that you could derive pleasure from feels amazing, as your hormones race through your body and titillate you in the right parts. I’ve been so bold enough to give a pick-up line or even directly asking if they would like to go home with me. Although, I would say I have about a 90% success rate of taking people home with me after I’ve stared, flirted, and started a conversation, I’m not sure that would work for other people, especially masculine men. As a femme/feminine woman who is aggressive, I definitely have some privilege when it comes to approaching people and having them feel safe around.
However, being on the other side isn’t so much fun as a femme/feminine woman. I’ve been the object of desire to someone who has stared at me with a glassy-eyed look of a star-crossed lover. I’ve felt someone’s eyes run up and down my body feeling objectified and wondering what kind of sexual thought they were thinking about. I know those kind of eyes that are undressing me at any given moment. I know those kind of eyes that look through me instead of actually seeing me. And I’m pretty sure a lot of women have experienced this in one way or the other.
So what does this have to do with anything?
I say this to say that we need to be aware of what position we are in at all times. As the starer, think about if your stare is wanted. Is the person staring back at you smiling or frowning? Do you think they would be into or not (hopefully indicated by smiling or some other non-verbal gesture)? Are you reading their signals correctly or you ignoring them?
If you are being stared at, are you acknowledging someone staring at you? Do you want them to stare at you or not? Can you approach them to tell them to stop or is it better for you to walk away and get out of their view? Is there a third party that can interfere and do the talking for you or swing you out of the way? Are you interested in them and take their stare as a way to approach them?
Either way, it requires some kind of action and behavior, which I encourage you to do. As Audre Lorde says, “Your silence will not protect you” and that can go for both positions. Recognize where you are, what power position you have, and act accordingly in a respectful manner. Admiration is one thing, repeatedly being a creep is another. Be discerning enough to know the difference.
Cheers to your sexual success!