Turn-Ons & Turn-Offs: Understanding Sexual Brakes & Accelerators

"Understanding why someone says no is just as powerful as knowing how to make them say yes." --Marla Renee Stewart

sign that says "make love great again"

When we talk about sex and intimacy, we often focus on desire—what gets us going, what excites us, what builds the fire. But what we don’t always talk about are the invisible brakes that stop us in our tracks; sometimes before the thought of sex even reaches our minds. To truly connect with a partner, we need to understand both the accelerators (the things that turn us on) and the brakes (the things that shut us down). And most importantly—we need to know how to manage both. Not only with ourselves, but with our lovers, as well.

🛑 The Sexual Brakes: Why They Don’t Want to Have Sex With You

Let’s keep it real: people don’t always want to have sex—even with people they love, adore, or desire. And it’s not always personal. Sometimes, it’s because of overwhelming stress, mismatched energy, or emotional disconnection. These are some of the brakes:

• Stress from daily life: Job demands, kids, family drama, or even just sheer exhaustion can kill desire in an instant.

• Lack of emotional intimacy: When someone doesn’t feel safe, heard, or valued, their sexual walls go up and the underwear stays all the way up.

• Pressure or obligation: If sex feels like a chore or an expectation, it’s more likely to be a no than a yes.

• Disconnection from the body: Body image issues, trauma, or health conditions can create a mental block toward physical closeness.

• Poor communication or unresolved conflict: If y’all just had a fight, chances are sex isn’t on the menu.

💨 The Sexual Accelerators: Why They Do Want to Have Sex With You

Now let’s flip it. What gets people to want to say “hell yes” instead of “not tonight”? Accelerators are what make our bodies, minds, and hearts say, "More, please",  and "Let's do this!" Here are just a few:

• Emotional safety and kindness: Being kind, respectful, and emotionally available? Big turn-on.

• Playful, flirty energy: A little wink, a soft touch, a sexy whisper—builds anticipation.

• Seduction Learning Styles©: When you engage your partner’s primary mode of seduction—auditory, visual, or tactile—you’re speaking their erotic language.

• Prioritizing intimacy: Blocking off time for connection (not just sex) makes room for erotic energy to build.

• Confidence and attentiveness: When someone feels desired, seen, and cared for, they’re more open to physical intimacy.

Want to learn more? Read Come As You Are.

💆🏾‍♀️ Stress as a Brake, Seduction as a Release

Stress is one of the biggest libido-killers out there. But the good news? There are ways to manage it that don’t just remove the brake—they gently press the gas. Try these tips:

• Tackle stress together: Share the mental load. That means talking about what's overwhelming and finding ways to relieve it. Whether that means doing the dishes, or giving your love some alone time by taking out the kids, this can be a great way to decrease the stress and have the heart open to more loving.

• Seduce through their style:

  • Auditory: Use voice messages, sexy words, affirmations.

  • Visual: Send flirty selfies, dress up, or create a beautiful intimate space.

  • Tactile: Offer massages, sensual touch, warm cuddles, or a naked dance.

• Eliminate unnecessary stressors: Whether it’s delegating household chores (hello laundry service and cleaners), creating kid-free time (hello grandparents and babysitter), or carving out “no phone” hours (notifications muted and phones put away)—reduce the noise.

• Kindness is sexy: Being gentle, thoughtful, and emotionally attuned isn’t just nice—it’s erotic. Research shows that kindness is one of the key pillars to ensuring long-lasting relationships.

🧠 Final Thoughts

Sexual desire isn’t just about what’s hot—it’s about what’s not in the way. When you understand your partner’s brakes and accelerators, you’re not just learning how to turn them on. You’re learning how to build a deeper connection. So be kind. Be curious. Be intentional. Because sometimes the sexiest thing you can say is, “What do you need right now?" and "How can I help?"

Cheers to your sexual success!