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I Will vs. I Won’t: Positive vs. Negative (Sexual) Talk

I just finished listening to a new book on willpower (I need a whole lot of it right now) as I’m adjusting my schedule to accommodate my exercise and dietary needs and there was one concept that I thought was particularly interesting. The concept had to do with the ways that our mind tricks itself into living into the future instead of the present. We often will take the immediate gratification before taking the better gratification over a longer period of time.


Part of this is how we vocalize things. When it comes to willpower, some of us say “I won’t [insert whatever behavior you’d like to stop doing],” instead of saying “I will [insert behavior with a positive twist that you’d like to do.” For example, instead of saying “I won’t be late,” you would say “I will be the first person there” in order to achieve getting to somewhere on time.


I do this with my clients. A lot of time, my clients have a lot of negative talk in their head and fail to recognize the positive out of their situation. Remember, for every negative, there is always a positive, and there’s always a way to spin things in the way that you would appreciate. This applies to your sexual self, as well.


When it comes to sex, “I won’t” usually looks like “I can’t” or “I don’t” or some other version of negative talk. I had a client who once told me that he wanted to perform better, but because he doesn’t have a partner, he can’t practice. So how did we turn it around? We could simply say, “I will be an amazing sexual partner to my next lover and we will make sure to practice all the time.


Turning negatives into positives will not only help you with gaining sexual confidence, but it will help you gain confidence in everyday life by changing your brain patterns so that your brain doesn’t depend on the future, but rather focusing on the present.


This can also help if you are fearful of a certain sexual act. A lot of the times when we are unfamiliar with certain sexual acts, we tend to say “eww” or “I won’t ever do that.” When we do this, we shut ourselves off to the endless sexual positive possibilities. When we say “I will” (and not “I will try” because “try” is a lack of commitment), we are opening ourselves up to something new and different, and possibly uncomfortable. However, when we push ourselves to be uncomfortable, we know that it’s a growing pain and we also know that growing pains are temporary. You can be uncomfortable for just a moment to possibly learn a lesson of a lifetime.


So the next time you feel the need to say “I won’t” or “I can’t” or “I don’t,” think twice. You actually might be impressed with the person you want to be, and essentially the person you are.


Cheers to your sexual success!

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