Over the course of the years, I’ve learned that many couples (and single folks, too) have a hard time realizing their own sexual identity. For those who work around sexuality, it can be easier, but at the same time, they can also struggle with their concerns surrounding their own sexuality. Many times we fault the lack of knowledge surrounding our own sexuality is due to communication issues, but what we don’t realize is that it’s the kind of communication that is needed to sustain a fulfilling sexual (and non-sexual) relationship. Here are some key ways to help your growth as a sexual being:
1) Define your sexual (relationship) identity. This is not an easy task. This means asking yourself (and whomever you are in a relationship with) questions like “What does ‘having good sex’ mean to you?” “How many times a week should I/we have sex?” “Do you expect to talk openly of your sexual wants, dislikes, joys, comfort, ideas?” These are just some of the questions that are necessary to define what you want your sex life to look like. Flushing these all out will get rid of a lot of problems because you’ve already discussed them.
2) Try to be open and make an effort to learn something new. A lot of people think that they are great in bed, and although this could be true, there’s always something new to learn and experience. Our world is full of new sexual possibilities each and every day, so there is no reason why you shouldn’t make the effort. If you want a great sex life, make it a great sex life and find something new that you could contribute to your own understanding of sexuality that can be easily shared with a lover.
3) Manage your intimacy. It’s a fact that some of us liked to be touched and some of us do not like to be touched. If you know yourself, you can manage your intimate time while still giving your lover something that they need. When both people like to touch, this is an easy task because you can touch or be touched all you want. However, when there is one person in the relationship that doesn’t receive much feeling from touch (by their own perception of themselves), it can be pretty difficult to build intimacy. Here’s some good touching advice: make it a rule to hug for at least 20 seconds a day (it’s a long hug or several hugs) and if you have a lover, always greet them or leave them with a meaningful and intentional kiss. This helps to sustain emotional and physical intimacy which are highly valued in most relationships.
4) Know your states of arousal. From low arousal activities to high arousal activities, you should know what turns you on and could get you to a point of orgasm. When you know these things, you can manage your sexual energy in ways that are helpful to you. For instance, say you see something or something you think of turns you on in an instant and you’re somewhere where you can’t relieve that sexual pressure or orgasm. You can try to do other activities that have no or little arousal levels to bring you down where you aren’t thinking about how your genitals are feeling. Maybe it’s a water cooler conversation or doing a few push-ups. Whatever it is, knowing WHAT it is, is the most important aspect of arousal.
5) Lead an exemplary life. Being a great example and sexual role model for your lovers will only help them to become better lovers themselves. When someone sees that you are doing something to make your life more exciting, they may try to chime in and contribute as well. When you become a catalyst for sexual understanding, it helps people to be at ease with you and express desires that they might not have thought about. In return, they can also help you to learn something about yourself as well. In addition, when you lead an exemplary life, you know ways to take care of yourself and that’s one of the most important things you can do to have a healthy, sustainable sexual relationship.