“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” — Maya Angelou
All too often I get phone calls from people who come to me because something has gone wrong in their sex life. Some of the time, it’s about spicing up their sex life, but most of the time, it’s because one partner is withholding sex (usually the woman in heterosexual relationships) and the men are calling me to figure out why. I usually have to ask them if they’ve asked their wives or girlfriends about why they are withholding sex and most of the time, they haven’t even communicated the issue. For those of you who are scared to ask your partner about why they are withholding sex, here’s a list that might be helpful to you, in no particular order, along with ways that you can improve your situation. If these still don’t work, then it’s time to give me a call. 😉 Reason #1: You criticize them constantly (or what they perceive as constantly). When we criticize our partner in a negative way, this can almost be soul-crushing. Each time you criticize, you are putting a wedge between you and your partner and you make them feel “less than.” It festers their self-esteem and chips away at their once vibrant sexual confidence. No one wants to have sex with someone who is constantly criticizing them (unless your kink is humiliation), and criticism is a complete turn-off. What To Do: Stop criticizing them and do a positive reframe. Instead of saying with a negative attitude, “why don’t you make any sounds during sex?” you can make a loving suggestion like “I love to hear you let go and moan because it turns me on.” You see the difference? We all love to please, so give them a reason to please you. Reason #2: You are comparing them to other people. This comes into play when you have watched a lot of (free) porn and/or you’ve had more exciting sexual experiences in the past. When you start comparing your partner to folks in the past or on the screen, you are essentially telling them that you don’t like who they are sexually. This is an unsafe feeling and when we’re feeling unsafe, we become insecure. When we become insecure, we put a wall up, and most of the time, it’s the sexual wall and withholding sex is inevitable. What To Do: Of course, stop comparing them to other people, but it’s imperative that you highlight was is great about them. Tell them what you appreciate about them and talk about what you love about them and how it makes you feel. Give them compliments on the things that make you happy about them and create opportunities that make them feel fantastic (i.e. do things they love to do that make them feel great). Reason #3: They don’t trust you. This is a big one. When someone feels like they can’t trust you, they are more likely to not have sex with you. “Wanting to trust” and “trusting” are two different things. When clients come to me and they feel that they cannot trust their partner, it’s a dead giveaway why they aren’t having sex. If you’ve had their trust before, but have lost it somehow, it’s going to be harder to re-build because of the element of doubt that has been created. What To Do: Your actions are everything at this point. First, you need to ask them what it would take to rebuild the trust. These need to be concrete. If you get an “I don’t know” answer, they are not thinking hard enough, so you may need to come up with suggestions. Does building trust mean that you are home at a certain time? Does it mean spending more quality time with them? Think of the ways that you believe would help in facilitating trust and then do those things (as long as they are agreed upon and make sense). Everything else is out of your control. Reason #4: They are sexually bored with you. The other day, I got a phone call from a guy who wanted lessons on how to be a better lover to his wife because she was more experienced. I asked him what does his wife want and he proceeds to tell me that she doesn’t want to give him any clues as to what she likes, but instead to just do whatever it is. I had to quickly tell him that I cannot teach him something if I don’t know what she likes. Everyone is different and what feels good to you may not feel good to me, so I need to have a conversation with her. I never heard from him again. This could be because 1) he hasn’t had that real conversation with her, or 2) she’s sending him on a goose chase because it might be one of the other reasons stated above. Whatever the reason is, you cannot sexually please someone if they don’t communicate to you about they like. What To Do: You need to improve yourself and start taking classes, reading books, and engaging more with your partner about sex. This has to be a conversation between the both of you. Being more sexually inquisitive with your partner and expanding your sexual world may be just the thing that get you started. You can do this by having a date that begins in a sex store, or going to a private sex club, or taking a sexy workshop. Reason #5: You don’t help facilitate orgasms. Yes, ultimately the orgasm is in the brain of the beholder, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t help make it happen. Maybe it’s your technique, your selfishness, and/or some other thing that’s a turn-off to your lover. If you are too focused on yourself and trying to get yours without helping your lover trying to get theirs, you are in the wrong place, my friend. If you are treating your lover like a sexual object, most likely they would feel this objectification and may feel disrespected. What To Do: Treating a human like a human is crucial if you want to have sex with them. With that said, it’s best to prioritize their orgasm. If you help them have an orgasm first, they are more likely to make sure that you are also pleased. You must care about giving them an orgasm and with my heterosexual couples, the man must help facilitate an orgasm with her before they can have an orgasm. This helps teach them how to please first, especially if they have been socialized in another way (particularly thinking about how media portrays men’s orgasms while we hardly ever see women having an orgasm). Also, knowing the clitoris and having the clitoris be your best friend is a surefire way to helping to facilitate those orgasms. Check out Dr. Ian Kerner’s book, She Comes First, which I highly recommend. I hope these reasons give you some insight about what you are doing wrong in your relationship and I hope that you’re able to do some psychoanalysis of yourself and make some tangible improvements. Now that you know better, it’s up to you to do better and take better care of your lover’s needs. Cheers to your sexual success!
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