Life values are important. Sexual values are just as important.
Life values are important. Wait, let me say that again. LIFE VALUES ARE IMPORTANT. When it comes to pursuing a serious relationship with someone, you need to have the same values. I tell this all the time to my clients and for some reason, it might get ignored for several reasons: you love the person, you’ve invested a lot of time into the relationship already, you want to have children with them, everything is perfect except for THAT, etc. But the struggle is real. If you don’t align with your values, it’s going to affect your relationship negatively in so many ways; just like sexual energy, if you don’t have values that align, it starts to bleed into everyday aspects of your personhood. One of the things that you need to do is define your values for yourself with regards to the major life aspects that affect your everyday life: finances, health, relationships/sexuality, children/family, education, religion/spirituality, and career. Through these major social institutions, we learn the most about ourselves and how we would like to move through the world in order to live our best life. With that said, you need to ask these questions at the beginning of the relationship to ensure that you are the best fit for your lover(s). For instance, if you want to have children someday (and it’s something that is burning on your mind) and the person you’re dating doesn’t want any at all, then it’s time to say goodbye to that potential relationship. No ifs, ands, or buts. GET AWAY from them, or at least know that there will never be any potential for a serious relationship. Even if they wanted kids and you wanted to homeschool them and they wanted to send them to public school, you need to know these things in advance. This shouldn’t be an afterthought. It is my hope that you would want to be intentional about how you raise your potential children from your potential partner. This goes for all these categories. You all need to have the same or similar values when it comes to all these aspects. If kids is something that could either come or go, that’s fine, too; you just need to know that if you enter a relationship with tepid feelings and your partner(s) have strong ones, it’s hard to convince your partner if you feel truly strongly about something that you haven’t before. This can also cause potential rifts in your relationship that totally could have been avoided if you would have thought thoroughly about each of these subjects. The fact is, you need to know yourself, inside and out. It’s best to know what you think is appropriate and inappropriate and to always be asking those “what if” questions to ensure that your partner(s) can think thoroughly about each situation. These are hard conversations. However, having the hard conversations at the beginning will save you a lot of grief during your relationship. A lot of problems that I come across when it comes to folks in relationships is because their values don’t align and they have actively ignored these big ass red flags because they were too dependent on their emotions. Emotions are great, but they need to be balanced with logic. Without that balance, you are doomed. Like Tina Turner said, “What’s love got to do with it?” Cheers to your sexual success! Originally published at http://velvetlipsllc.com. Also published here