Last week I was interviewed by YES! Magazine, a magazine dedicated to various aspects of social justice, the interviewer told me that I told them something different than any other person has said before when it concerns consent.
Right now, we see and we know that consent is huge. People have done workshops on what types of consent there is and how to make consent sexy, but what some folks aren’t talking about is how most people aren’t a huge fan of step-by-step consent. I know that I’m not.
I don’t like people asking me about every thing that has to do with my body. And I realize that’s just me. Some people need that consent because maybe they’ve been triggered by certain touches or maybe they just don’t like being touched. As an affectionate person, I also like people to touch me, so most times when people touch me, it doesn’t get highly noticed unless there is something unique or particular about the touch (such as who is touching me, if they are flirting by touch, or it’s a place I don’t get touched often).
I wholeheartedly believe in consensual non-consent. For me, that’s a way of saying that you have access to my body until I tell you that you do not. It’s as simple as that. However, what that does require is my voice and speaking up for myself. Since I feel comfortable speaking up for myself and I feel comfortable with saying “no” or “don’t touch me there,” consensual non-consent feels perfect.
I constantly ask my friends how they feel about consent. Most of them tell me that they don’t like people asking them step-by-step when it comes to sex because it takes the fun out of the self-discovery. I agree with them. I like to be shocked or surprised and I like to discover new things about myself, so it’s no wonder that I don’t need consent every step of the way.
Sometimes consent can be non-verbal. I prefer this kind of consent, too. Show me that you are ready for me. I’ll show you that I’m ready for you. Maybe it’s a look in the eye or flirting hard core. Maybe it’s a sexy text or picture to show to you that I’m ready for you.
In the current social climate and #MeToo movement, it’s important to note that consent should be a part of your everyday life. Even though I forget to get consent sometimes (I automatically touch people within arm’s reach), it’s still important to realize what you do and correct yourself. Once you get that consent, you are on your way to having a healthier and happier communication style.
Here’s to say that if you are like me or if you are like one of my friends, maybe step-by-step isn’t for you. While consent is always necessary, maybe the better way to get your needs met is to address it in a way that states that consensual non-consent is your consent style and that you feel confident enough to speak up.
If you don’t feel confident to speak up, come talk to me. 😉
Cheers to your sexual success!