Last week I was interviewed by YES! Magazine, a magazine dedicated to various aspects of social justice, the interviewer told me that I told them something different than any other person has said before when it concerns consent.
Right now, we see and we know that consent is huge. People have done workshops on what types of consent there is and how to make consent sexy, but what some folks arenât talking about is how most people arenât a huge fan of step-by-step consent. I know that Iâm not.
I donât like people asking me about every thing that has to do with my body. And I realize thatâs just me. Some people need that consent because maybe theyâve been triggered by certain touches or maybe they just donât like being touched. As an affectionate person, I also like people to touch me, so most times when people touch me, it doesnât get highly noticed unless there is something unique or particular about the touch (such as who is touching me, if they are flirting by touch, or itâs a place I donât get touched often).
I wholeheartedly believe in consensual non-consent. For me, thatâs a way of saying that you have access to my body until I tell you that you do not. Itâs as simple as that. However, what that does require is my voice and speaking up for myself. Since I feel comfortable speaking up for myself and I feel comfortable with saying ânoâ or âdonât touch me there,â consensual non-consent feels perfect.
I constantly ask my friends how they feel about consent. Most of them tell me that they donât like people asking them step-by-step when it comes to sex because it takes the fun out of the self-discovery. I agree with them. I like to be shocked or surprised and I like to discover new things about myself, so itâs no wonder that I donât need consent every step of the way.
Sometimes consent can be non-verbal. I prefer this kind of consent, too. Show me that you are ready for me. Iâll show you that Iâm ready for you. Maybe itâs a look in the eye or flirting hard core. Maybe itâs a sexy text or picture to show to you that Iâm ready for you.
In the current social climate and #MeToo movement, itâs important to note that consent should be a part of your everyday life. Even though I forget to get consent sometimes (I automatically touch people within armâs reach), itâs still important to realize what you do and correct yourself. Once you get that consent, you are on your way to having a healthier and happier communication style.
Hereâs to say that if you are like me or if you are like one of my friends, maybe step-by-step isnât for you. While consent is always necessary, maybe the better way to get your needs met is to address it in a way that states that consensual non-consent is your consent style and that you feel confident enough to speak up.
If you donât feel confident to speak up, come talk to me. đ
Cheers to your sexual success!