Recently, I received an email from an aging man who was a virgin (yes, a real 50-year-old virgin) and he expressed to me that although he felt attraction for all types of people, the thought of having sex didn’t pique his interest. It seemed like too much work when he watched porn and he felt that if he was a sex worker that he could have sex with folks and then he would know if he is actually sexually attracted to someone. His problem was that he felt that he didn’t have those opportunities.
My first piece of advice was to meditate and hear his spirit and maybe that he would hear something. My second piece of advice was to go to a swinger’s club and experiment with different people who he is attracted to, but he didn’t like that advice either. He was solidly convinced that he might never be intimate with someone and I could feel the sadness in his words.
The fact of the matter is, is that it’s never too late to know what your sexuality entails. Our sexuality changes all the time, so it’s always necessary to constantly re-evaluate what we like and what we don’t like. Sometimes, when we do the same things over and over, we fail to get to know our fantasies better. We fail to foster our sexuality and we fail to exert the energy necessary to explore and embody that sexual energy.
However, there’s also the possibility that not being sexually attracted to people might mean that you’re asexual. Fostering sexual energy into your romantic and intimate relationships look different for those who are asexual, as opposed to those who aren’t. Asexual folks feel that pressure to be sexual in sexualized world and that aids in stress. As children, if we were taught that it’s okay to be sexual and it’s also okay to not be sexual, the world would be a better place simply because you would be validated in your feelings without any judgment or explanation on why you feel that way. Less pressure, less stress and more happiness.
I don’t care how old you are, you are never too old to know (or get to know) your sexuality. Understand that romance, intimate or sexual relationships can have you experiencing a range of feelings and all those feelings are valid. However, there is always hope for your sexuality and all its many facets. If I had to give the last piece of advice for that man, it would be “Don’t give up on your sexuality. It’s that energy that sparks our creativity and our purpose in the world.”